What It’s Like Living with Chronic Social Awkwardness

No hacks here, just my most awkward moments in public…

As a child born in a brown religious household, my parents were very social as well as holy. This meant engaging in many social events including parties, birthdays, weddings, family gatherings, church events, and much more. Nearly every month we had multiple events resulting in frequently drained social batteries. Unfortunately for me, most of these events had no one my age. There were mothers, fathers, and brothers but never anyone I was comfortable with. Of course, it didn’t help that I was quiet and reserved and only knew basic conversation starters which I had learnt from internet searches. After a couple of “Hello’s, how are you, when did you get here, how was your day, what did you eat for lunch …”, this was followed by overwhelming silence while my mind pondered for more interesting topics.

Moving schools is terrifying. Now imagine moving countries. When I initially moved from India to New Zealand, I was very lonely. My English was broken and very little and paired with my social inabilities, I had zero friends in my initial months. I used to sit awkwardly on the stairs during lunch busying myself with re-reading the same book over and over again, mind you, a habit which I have not given up on yet, patiently but eagerly waiting for lunch to be over. I still remember the day another student asked me to join her in the playground and voila, I had made my first friend overseas. 

Back during my high school days, one of my closest friends jokingly stated that I was boring, and till this day, it has affected me. I am overly conscious and worried about being uninteresting although it may be true and I closed myself off from others for a good few years, unable to make new friends or engage in clubs, or group activities. No amount of book purchases on being confident and how to start interesting conversations seemed to enhance my social abilities. However, now I have come to realise that no matter what you do or say, there will be people who love you, people who are interested in you, people who are simply not interested, and people who may not like you at all. And honestly, everything is fine if you stay happy with what you have and go with the flow.  

A friend of mine visited me while travelling as part of a church group. Personally, after moving to Australia, I had a hard time adjusting to church. I find it hard to talk to people who already have close friends and know everyone else. So church was very difficult for me to get close to as I couldn’t get close to people my age. So, when my friend came here, because she was part of a larger church group, she got close to the people my age at the church. After our solo hang out, she had a dinner planned with a lot of the youth from my church and invited me to join. I said I would drop her off but the thought of joining sounded suffocating. As I said goodbye in front of the restaurant, she invited me again. Seeing everyone laughing and talking inside, my heart started racing at the thought of joining and sweat started forming across my forehead. It suddenly became difficult to breathe. Relief filled me as I left the parking lot after declining the offer to join.

Recently at work, I sat with a few of my fellow co-workers. Mind you, starting off newly at this workplace, I had a difficult time adjusting. I used to sit alone purposefully in a hidden corner to avoid awkward social interactions. This has improved as I have made many close relationships and friends. During this specific lunch, I solely joined a few co-workers who I usually don’t eat alone with. I am usually surrounded by more closer work mates. Simply put, this interaction was tiring. Their conversations were foreign to me and although they attempted to include me, due to the unfamiliar and uncommon topics, I was unable to engage. Unfortunately, I picked up my phone and aimlessly scrolled hoping for others to join the table or ideally for lunch to be over quicker.   

Social anxiety is me. I am social anxiety. Anyone else as socially awkward as I am?

P.S. I will do a separate post on how I deal with social awkwardness.

Written with sincerity,

Me.